I felt this today. Right now actually, hence why I thought I would ramble on for a bit.
How on EARTH did I land up to be the girl I am today? The girl who has decided to type this, instead of doing some varsity work. The girl who is no longer a girl, but rather a woman… Hell, when did that happen?
How did I become the young woman who is studying Medicine in Joburg? How did I come to have the friends I do? How did my life fall into place to bring me right to this very second?
It is all too fascinating to imagine what life I would have if different decisions, both big and small, had been made by and for me. One example of this would be if my family HAD moved to Truckee, California however many years ago. I most certainly would have had the accent by now. Maybe I’d still be studying to be a doctor. Or maybe I’d have decided to move into Commerce. Or ministry. Or IT (though I do think my lack of skill would still have limited me). I would be sitting in a daily average temperature of 5 degrees right about now – Thank goodness I’m not.
What if I had begged to stay at my first school, Covenant College? I would have different friends. I wonder if I would have learnt the same lessons.
What if high school never had any drama? Would we all have turned out the same people we are today?
(Note: If you haven’t seen The Butterfly Effect, do it!)
Yeah, well, obviously things would not have turned out the same for me if any other such decisions were made. It’s tough to contemplate though. Did I make the right decisions, or is who I am now not who I ought to be?
I suppose it ends up like those multiple conclusion Goosebumps books. There is no right or wrong ending, but you do, ultimately, feel a sense of happiness or disappointment once you’ve discovered where your decision has taken you.
I’d like to think that who I am today, and what I am doing with my life, is the path that gives me that sense of happiness. While, yes, there are many things that I can acknowledge aren’t perfect or how I’d planned them to be, I’ve just got to trust that they are part of the path that will lead me to a fulfilling ending.
All the bad decisions, struggles and mistakes I have made and endured, may have, at the time, seemed completely detrimental to my progress in life. Though, looking back, what I took from those events has brought me to where I am today.
There are definitely still things that I am enduring and carrying with me now. I don’t understand them, no matter how hard I try. All I can hope is that they turn out to be lessons for the future. Things that I can better my life with, so I can ‘level up’ and be a better version of me.
Don’t worry, I haven’t neglected the amazing times and blessings I have received. These are the fundamentals in building our lives, and I am lucky enough to say that I have had an uncountable number of them.
I guess we’ll never know the actions that have brought us to where we are now. I suppose we just need to trust they were right for us, and if not, make the best of what we have now. I think I can safely say that I am ecstatic with the path my life has taken. There are certain aspects that I still question, but I will only see where they lead me, in the future. And I’m quite sure that I’ll be where I need to be because of them.
I understand that this post was disjointed and imperfect, but it matches my mood, so I’m quite happy leaving it as is (: Without re-reading it either… eh :P
Love you all!
xxx
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