The Camera – 1/05/2011

The Camera – 1/05/2011

I’ve been wrestling with myself on how to write about this, and even though I’ve finally got down to it, I am still unsure. I guess I’m just going to take this one as it comes.
About 10 days ago my grandfather gave me an old camera. A Ricoh AF-7. Yes, this camera uses film and doesn’t have a digital screen, yet I find this camera more valuable than any new top range model you can find at the most expensive shop. This is because the camera belonged to my Nan.

It has only been 70 days since she passed away, but it honestly feels like a lot longer. It’s always sad to say goodbye to a loved one, however this death brought with it happiness too. My gran had been suffering with the aftermath of a stroke for about 4 months and it broke our hearts to see a once active, independent and spirited lady, bed-ridden and consistently dependant on someone else.
At 77, Nan had lived a long and well-spent life. She was one of the most amazing ladies I have ever had the privilege of knowing. She had more friends than most people could even dream of, and she was the best friend anyone could ask for. A kind friend, a brilliant daughter, a great sister, a caring mother, a loving wife and an absolutely amazing grandmother.
I remember whole holidays spent at their house in Clarens, in the Free State. It was mine and Wayde’s home-away-from-home. And what a place to have grown up with. Nan and Grandpa knew everyone and everyone inevitably loved them to bits. I remember my 65-year-old Nan getting down in the dirt to play marbles with us, and absolutely thrashing us. I remember her wonderful sense of humour. I remember pudding nights, where all we ate for dinner was dessert. Instant pudding, jelly, ice-cream, trifle, cake and all the sprinkles we could want. I remember the special placemats she had especially for her grandchildren. I remember bedtime stories out of her big red book. I remember the nicknames she had for the 4 grandkids. I remember waking up every morning for tea with biscuits on the little silver trays (and the white-grey one with flowers for Wayde) and looking at Mount Horeb from the patio with the best view in Clarens. I remember my “Rose Room” and Wayde’s “Us Kids Room”. I remember sitting in the tree house that Grandpa had built for us, and hearing Nan below telling us to use the pulley to bring the lunch she had made us up to where Wayde and I were sitting. I remember star-gazing before the little town was built up, so we could see thousands of stars. I remember Nan always hiding little presents under our pillows when we visited. I remember building snowmen with her in Clarens. I remember…
There are an infinite number of memories with my Nan, the greatest lady in the world. There is also the memory of Wayde and I rushing into the ICU in Novemeber, after a 4 hour drive in the rain, to see my Nan in the bed. And she looked terrible. Her speech was terrible and you could barely hear what she was saying. And her first words to Wayde were, “Why’d you drive so far? Now you have to get your car serviced.” In times of despair, she still held onto her humour.
And that is typically Nan. After the night we thought she wouldn’t pull through, she stayed with us for 4 more months. She was so stubborn and she was determined to stay a little longer.
On her last day with us, she stopped breathing. But again, she couldn’t go without saying goodbye. She pulled through , but she knew she only had a couple of hours left with us. She told each of us that she loved us and that we shouldn’t be sad. She knew that Jesus was coming for her and she was at peace with that. A couple of hours later, the most amazing woman had left us.
I pray that I will never forget her faith in the Lord, kindness towards friends and strangers and her unending love for her family.

This brings me back to the camera. The camera that made me think back to all the captured memories in my mind. There are already some photos on film and it has now it has been left to me to finish the roll. What on earth is on there already? If anything at all? And how can I use this camera to honour my Nan’s life?
I feel as if this is one of the last material things that my Nan has left her family, and I want to finish it with justice.
I still have no clue how to use it, but I pray to find the answer soon. She has given me so much, and in a way I see this as giving back to her.
When I find the answer, I will let you know.

And so to a Nan that I will never forget… I love you with my whole heart.

“White Blank Page.” - 01/04/2011

01/04/2011
“White Blank Page.”

Everyone is familiar with what is said about procrastination. It is bearing that in mind, that I still begin my second post now. I will probably kick myself later for this.

In hindsight, I realize that I should have probably begun with the explanation of the name of my blog (I am not yet over the idea of ME having a blog). But it was not so, and thus it’s happening now.

“White Blank Page”. It took me about a minute and a half to realize that I wanted to name my blog this. While I would love to claim that these three simple, yet beautiful words are attributed to my poetic ability, I am under the belief that plagiarism is actually a serious crime. Who knew? So I need to acknowledge Mr. Marcus Mumford (1) for his magnificent contribution to the world of music.
I saw this song name fitting, as this blog is somewhat my own, personal, ‘white blank page’ in which I can write absolutely anything I wish. It is open each day for me to write something new. I have no topic list to choose from or criteria to meet. I can fill this page with my every whim. It is mine and mine alone.

It also strikes me as profoundly symbolic. Quite unrelated to blogging, but symbolic nonetheless. I believe that every life needs a ‘white blank page’ every so often. A way to start anew. While every single page we write in life will have a place in our timeless tale, it seems almost cruel to have to stay on one page, tainted with the errors we have made. The new page gives us license to forget what happened last month; yesterday; a minute ago, and lets us start again. It gives us another shot at getting life right. It is vital that we learn from our mistakes, but we cannot let our past haunt us. “Sometimes it’s okay to fall.”(2). It’s a new page. It’s a new day.

“Her white blank page, and a swelling rage.”(3). Often one gets the opportunity to start afresh, but is so caught up in the past that it ruins that here and now. Your page is white and fresh, with no mistakes or need for tippex. We need to let go of the burdens we carry unnecessarily, and cleanse our minds. In the Christian aspect of this all, if we ask for forgiveness, it is never our sin that destroys us, but rather the fact that we cannot let go of that sin and forgive ourselves.

“Can you kneel before the King and say, ‘I’m clean, I’m clean’?” (4).

Please note. I am not using this blog to preach. It is merely a way to express MY views.

Lastly, I try not to dwell on the negatives of the past, but take the lessons learnt from my mistakes, put them alongside the good times, and celebrate them in all their fullness.
“Here’s To The Past!” (5)


References –
(1) Marcus Mumford is the lead vocalist, and lyricist for English folk rock band, ‘Mumford and Sons.’
(2) Fall – Jonas Brothers.
(3) White Blank Page – Mumford and Sons.
(4) White Blank Page – Mumford and Sons.
(5) Here’s To The Past – A Day To Remember.

“I can’t tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like.” - 27/03/2011

27/03/11

“I can’t tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like.”(1)

Blogging. The weirdest feeling ever. Writing things that other people may or may not read. It seems as if one tends to use a blog as a diary. Something in which to document daily activities and utmost feelings. Hmmm. Strange.

For me is it somewhat difficult to “blog” my feelings. Well, it’s difficult to put my feelings into words, because, for the person that I am, music says it “Ten Times Better”(2) than I ever could. It may sound strange, but it feels as if my thoughts and emotions are best described by either the lyrics of a song, or the instruments within the masterpiece.

If I envy one thing in this world, it would be a talented musician/lyricist. The ability to write his thoughts out in a set of powerful lyrics, or transpose the symphony of his day.

And so this is my challenge. Trying to get a basic point across. Either feelings, thoughts, activities, rants, boredom? We’ll see how it goes.

“Have Faith In Me.”(3)

P.S.  I may or may not reference songs or little things in my posts. It may help you to understand fully what I mean, cause as I’ve said, music speaks louder than words.

References –

 (1) Love The Way You Lie – Eminem

(2) Ten Times Better – Tonight Alive (Actually playing as I was typing).

(3) Have Faith In Me – A Day to Remember