It happens sometimes. And, it is in these times I wish I had Dumbledore's Pensieve. Just to draw out my thoughts and put them somewhere, so my head doesn’t seem so crowded. That way I could sit and sift through them one-by-one. I suppose those who have true self-control are able to do this. I assume meditation would help too. I’ve never been very good at that, though I suppose no-one is in the beginning.

Sometimes, I wish I could elaborate more on here, but I can’t bring myself to do that. You’re virtually complete strangers to me, and there is no way I could find it in myself to make myself so vulnerable. Even typing this is taking guts for me. So much so, I’m not sure I’ll end up posting this. But, since it’s all typed, I may as well. We’ll see.

I saw the video for Bon Iver’s Holocene an hour ago, and it is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. So beautiful. So quiet. So far away. That is what appeals to me right now. All I feel like doing is going camping in the mountains, maybe near a lake. Making a fire and seeing the stars. It sounds like absolute bliss. Just me and Nature and God. Nothing would make me happier.

I think.

Enlightenment & The Power of Now

I have just read the most amazing post on someone else's blog. It made me smile from ear to ear. It is phenomenal!
Posted by: Kip Mazuy: http://www.globalone.tv/profiles/blog/list?user=08fj1ilcfzenv

"It's very easy
to carry the past
around with you.

To think about what happened
yesterday
or a year ago
or 20 years ago.

To think
you could have done
something different
that would have
made things better.

Or link all of the memories
together into a story
and calling it 'me.'

But it's all nonsense.

What happened
even 20 seconds ago
has nothing to do
with what you are now.

From the perspective
of the mind
you are this person
that stretches back in time.
You are the sum
of all of your memories.

But this is only mental chatter.
It has nothing to do with
what you truly are.

Truly, meaning
not what you think yourself to be
but what is here beyond
all the thinking nonsense.

No matter
what you may think about it,
you are alive in this moment.

Yesterday is not alive;
yesterday is nonexistent.

Right now,
there is the undeniable
sense of life
beyond all the useless
definitions and descriptions.

Right now life is happening
and it is your choice
whether you are alive
in this moment
or you choose
to distract yourself
about endless
commentaries
of what happened before,
what might happen later
and what to call this moment
so the mind can understand it.

If you choose in this moment
to experience yourself alive
then you are radiance.

It is no easy task,
it requires your complete
attention
to remain here
on what is really
going on in this moment.

Not your ideas about
what is going on,
not your knowledge
of what it felt like 10 seconds ago
to be alive in this moment.

But right here;
living is happening,
life is happening.

Not for your body
or your mind
or any of that nonsense.

You allow all that to be
but you look past it.

Something much bigger,
life itself
in its totality
radiating
even exploding
in this moment
with such force
that it belittles
the mind,
belittles
the idea of this
self important 'you'
with all its problems
and desires.

Its not really about
getting a certain pleasure
or attainment
but being alive,
being willing enough
to truly feel life
happening in this moment
and remaining
alive,
remaining
attentive
to the direct experience
that life is happening
forever and ever
in this moment.

To remain immersed
in the source of life
that is lighting up
the whole show.

And if you even
think about it
you miss it.

If you know it
you miss it.

It is too simple
for understanding.

Too close to you
to even be seen.

You can only be
and recognize being,
which are really the
same thing.

You fully recognize
being in this moment
and there is no
room for anything else.

Consciousness
takes up the whole view."

Peace and Love to you all <3

The Awakening (Author unknown)

I've been wanting to post since Friday night, but I haven't made the time to do so. Tonight I discovered this 'quote' (for lack of a better word), and I thought it was absolutely fantastic. The topic that I wanted to post about on Friday is mentioned in here too, so when I find the time... and the words... I will put that thought down and post it.
Have an amazing week lovely strangers.
Enjoy xxx



The Awakening
(Author unknown)


A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH1 Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

[The Pale Blue Dot]

I’d forgotten how much better writing makes me feel. And so, here’s another post! I’ve also decided to stop apologizing for them being stupid, disjointed, boring or any other negative connotation. I’ve realized that no-one is forced to read these, so I assume there is a little bit of enjoyment that comes out of them, so thank you.


Ever felt a little in over your head? Where life just feels far too much?

Or how about when we forget that our life is not the only one being lived – that other people aren’t merely accessories to OUR lives.

I’m 100% certain that everyone has put someone, or something, on a pedestal, making them ‘larger than life’. Letting concepts, ideals and ideas be magnified into occupying everything we know.

I think we often forget that we are a hell of a lot smaller than we think we are. Our leaders, whom we think are big enough to run the world, are merely people. Small people. Who live in small houses. In small provinces/states. In a small country. On a tiny planet. In a miniscule solar system. Of a tiny galaxy. (I could continue if I were slightly more educated on the topic).

I like being put in my place every now and again. Not by people, but rather by the universe. It puts things back into perspective for me. It makes me appreciate life a lot more, and it makes things seem easier. As a Christian, it puts me in awe of how massive and magnificent and indescribable my God is. That’s why I love looking at the stars. I think it is something that I need to do more often.

It helps to know that the self-righteous leaders, boastful elders and proud youth are just as insignificant as you are. It sounds pessimistic, sure. But, look at it from the other side of things – it puts everyone on equal -footing. It’s almost laughable when someone thinks that they have unrestricted power.

I’m not nearly saying that what these people do have no effect to us on Earth. Leaders have killed thousands in war. ‘Bullies’, for lack of a better word, have destroyed many a self-esteem. Economists have thrown uncountable numbers of people into debt. And everyday things start to feel more and more hopeless.

That’s when I look to the stars. That’s when I remember just how insignificant I am. That’s when I remember that those people are just that… PEOPLE. And, that’s when I remember just how insignificant they are and how it, in its own right, levels the playing field. Ironically, it is when I feel my most powerful. I CAN make a difference, for the better, on this not-so-massive planet. I CAN take on those power-hungry dictators. We can stop suffering and make a better world for those around us.

One of the first times that I felt insignificant was when I watched a DVD called Indescribable by Louis Giglio. It is a Christian DVD, but woaaaah, it is interesting! I would recommend checking that out if you ever have the opportunity.

Another humbling moment presented itself when I heard Carl Sagan’s (astronomer, astrophysicist, cosmologist, author, science popularizer, and science communicator in astronomy and natural sciences ) speech on The Pale Blue Dot. The Pale Blue Dot is a photograph taken of Earth in 1990 by the Voyager 1 spacecraft nearly 6 BILLION kilometers away. Here’s what he had to say:

“We succeeded in taking that picture [from deep space], and, if you look at it, you see a dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever lived, lived out their lives. The aggregate of all our joys and sufferings, thousands of confident religions, ideologies and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilizations, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every hopeful child, every mother and father, every inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every superstar, every supreme leader, every saint and sinner in the history of our species, lived there on a mote of dust, suspended in a sunbeam.
The earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and in triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of the dot on scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner of the dot. How frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity – in all this vastness – there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. It is up to us. It's been said that astronomy is a humbling, and I might add, a character-building experience. To my mind, there is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly and compassionately with one another and to preserve and cherish that pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.”
—Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space, p. 6

There is nothing more I can add to that.
Good night, and I love you all.
xxx

[05.04.2012]

Ever wake up and wonder just how you got where you are today? It’s probably a clichéd and over-discussed idea, but in its own weird little way, it is not nearly spoken about enough.

I felt this today. Right now actually, hence why I thought I would ramble on for a bit.


How on EARTH did I land up to be the girl I am today? The girl who has decided to type this, instead of doing some varsity work. The girl who is no longer a girl, but rather a woman… Hell, when did that happen?
How did I become the young woman who is studying Medicine in Joburg? How did I come to have the friends I do? How did my life fall into place to bring me right to this very second?

It is all too fascinating to imagine what life I would have if different decisions, both big and small, had been made by and for me. One example of this would be if my family HAD moved to Truckee, California however many years ago. I most certainly would have had the accent by now. Maybe I’d still be studying to be a doctor. Or maybe I’d have decided to move into Commerce. Or ministry. Or IT (though I do think my lack of skill would still have limited me). I would be sitting in a daily average temperature of 5 degrees right about now – Thank goodness I’m not.


What if I had begged to stay at my first school, Covenant College? I would have different friends. I wonder if I would have learnt the same lessons.
What if high school never had any drama? Would we all have turned out the same people we are today?

(Note: If you haven’t seen The Butterfly Effect, do it!)

Yeah, well, obviously things would not have turned out the same for me if any other such decisions were made. It’s tough to contemplate though. Did I make the right decisions, or is who I am now not who I ought to be?
I suppose it ends up like those multiple conclusion Goosebumps books. There is no right or wrong ending, but you do, ultimately, feel a sense of happiness or disappointment once you’ve discovered where your decision has taken you.

I’d like to think that who I am today, and what I am doing with my life, is the path that gives me that sense of happiness. While, yes, there are many things that I can acknowledge aren’t perfect or how I’d planned them to be, I’ve just got to trust that they are part of the path that will lead me to a fulfilling ending.

All the bad decisions, struggles and mistakes I have made and endured, may have, at the time, seemed completely detrimental to my progress in life. Though, looking back, what I took from those events has brought me to where I am today.

There are definitely still things that I am enduring and carrying with me now. I don’t understand them, no matter how hard I try. All I can hope is that they turn out to be lessons for the future. Things that I can better my life with, so I can ‘level up’ and be a better version of me.

Don’t worry, I haven’t neglected the amazing times and blessings I have received. These are the fundamentals in building our lives, and I am lucky enough to say that I have had an uncountable number of them.
I guess we’ll never know the actions that have brought us to where we are now. I suppose we just need to trust they were right for us, and if not, make the best of what we have now. I think I can safely say that I am ecstatic with the path my life has taken. There are certain aspects that I still question, but I will only see where they lead me, in the future. And I’m quite sure that I’ll be where I need to be because of them.

I understand that this post was disjointed and imperfect, but it matches my mood, so I’m quite happy leaving it as is (: Without re-reading it either… eh :P

Love you all!
xxx

[25.03.2012]

So, I haven't posted in months. This isn't because I haven't wanted to. My word. I've wanted to.
And I can't exactly blame lack of time either, because where there's a will, there's a way. I suppose it's more this 'writer's block', for lack of a better description. Or the fact that, literally, just before I go to log in to this account, I hesitate thinking that whatever I wanted to say was too stupid to bother.
But screw it.
This post may very possibly be stupid and it may very possibly be short. Just because I can. How's that for reasoning?

Just to get whoever reads this up to date...
I have finally finished Matric, and I graduated at the top of my year.
I am now a first year at the University of Witwatersrand studying a Bachelor of Medicine and Surgery.
I have just recently got my Driver's Licence.
My (non-biological) sister has moved to Rhodes. (For those who have read my earlier posts - Emma).
I went to Cape Town for the first time in December.
I have decided that, one day, I will probably move to Cape Town.
I was in Durban over New Years.
My brother made Top 10 in the country for an undergraduate Economics essay competition.
I have already been to a funeral this year.
We are going to renovate my house.

And yeah, I'm sure there's a lot more, but I'm getting bored just typing this, so I can imagine how you feel.

So, this is my stupid post. just to make a point to myself that this is MY blog, and I can post whatever, whenever.

Until next time!
xxx

Church & Grace

I really felt it was time to post again, so if you checking up on me, here it is. This is a talk that I was asked to write last year. This is a post on Christianity, and they are my views. If you do not wish to read on, I fully respect that, but I hope you will.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Look around you. Where is the nearest Church to where we are sitting right now? Everyone can point to where they think it is.
You’re wrong. Given, yes, that building is a building with an altar and pews as such, and we call it a church, but the closest church to us is in fact even closer than that building. The church is amongst us. Right here, where we are sitting.

“Church isn’t where you meet. Church isn’t a building. Church is what you do. Church is who you are. Church is the human personification of Jesus Christ. Let’s not go to Church, let’s be the Church.”

Profound isn’t it?

So, if we’re the church, what do we do? It’s a huge privilege but can we handle it?

Why do you go to Church on Sundays?

-To learn. To pray. To meet other Christians. To worship.

So if that’s what the Church does for YOU, and WE are the church, then those things are our responsibilities to provide for others.

We have to introduce others to Jesus Christ, our Saviour, our Grace-giver.

There are many ways to show Jesus to others. It’s all very much up to you and what you find successful. My personal preference is to lead by example, and to speak about my experiences with God. I answer questions that others have and show them that I am not judgmental towards them and their decisions. People are afraid of change or something new. We need to accept others with open arms, just like the Jesus did for us. For after all, God has instructed us to love all. HE will be the judge of our lives when that day comes. It is not our job.

Two or more people gathered in God’s name is considered a Church.

I am not saying that since we are the Church, it excuses us from going to that sacred building every Sunday. We need to learn new things in order to teach those around us. It is a sanctuary for our hearts and minds, where we can grow as better Christians, and therefore take the Church to other people.

When I was a lot younger, I used to go to Sunday school where I learnt about God and Jesus, and I firmly believe that through that and the way in which I was raised, instilled a love of God within my heart As I got older, I attended Church less and less. I still loved God and prayed, but I couldn’t grow much more as a Christian. I couldn’t go out and teach others the new things that I had learnt from the sacred building.

It wasn’t until I rediscovered the Grace of God, through Happening last year, that I started attending Church more and more regularly. And that has made a huge difference in my life. I had truly met Jesus and I was starting to grasp His unending love and grace for me.

“Between here and Heaven, every minute that we live will be a minute of grace.”

We so often talk about God’s unending grace, but do we actually understand what grace is?

010 | Lump: "A lot of us have done things in our lives we are ashamed of."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccKzpnvpJhs
I'm sorry about the Spanish subtitles.

Grace is something that we can never earn or deserve. It is a free gift, given to us, through love, from God. We are all chosen by God Himself, to be His children and His followers. We have been chosen for life and forgiveness. We are all special and yet equal in God’s eyes. God loves you just as much as He loves Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa or even Adolf Hitler. There is nothing you could ever do, to make God love you less.

Isn’t that just an amazing feeling? A gift whose value and awesomeness could never be surmounted.

I have a friend who is working as a youth pastor in England. He has a blog space called Sacred Spaces, and I found one that was truly profound.
(Find his group on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Sacred-Spaces/111238576419)

“You are a library of Grace Stories.

Once again, God has blessed me. God has shown me grace. He has surprised me. He has provided for me. I am bursting with joy inside.
I don’t deserve, I am a sinner, I am full of contradictions at times, yet He still shows His goodness towards me.

I decided 2 nights ago to write a journal entry called: Grace Stories. I decided to document as many of the moments of grace I have had in my life that I can remember.
I challenge you do the same. As you page through the chapters of your life, you will see how God has been so gracious to you, so often.

I have had debts cancelled. I have been given big things. I have seen incredible things. I have been so well looked after. I have been forgiven and show the way forward.

My stories are different to yours...but one thing we can agree on is:
We are all libraries of Grace Stories.
Take some time to think about yours.
I cannot doubt the existence of this God who cares. Thank you, Lord.
HOWEVER a lot of these Grace Stories involve God’s agents of grace:

People who have shown me grace. People who have given me things. And people who have cancelled debts in my life. People who have given me a second chance. People who have been prompted by God’s Spirit to show favour to me. Thank you, you agents of grace.

So 2 things we can think about from this Sacred Space.
1) Where is God calling you to be an agent of grace?
2) When last have you looked back at all your Grace Stories in your life and been grateful?”

Our lives are filled with grace. A lot of which we take for granted. Being able to walk, talk, learn, see…

Every second is one of Grace.

Lastly, how often do we feel that we need to EARN God’s grace?

Jesus died for us; to set us free from the things that trap us: sin, worry, and the ways of the world and a lack of purpose.

Grace is a FREE gift… but how often… we think or act as if we need to “earn that grace.”

Why are you trying to earn your salvation and forgiveness? God has given it to us already.
On the other hand, we do need to live in appreciation of that grace. We need to show God that we are grateful.

When last have we thanked God for His grace? And when have we shown that grace to others?

“Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound , that saved a wretch like me…”